strange and random happenstance

The great age of exploration when men went about the Earth planting flags in the most hostile of climates holds no interest for me. It doesn't just smack of colonialism, but of a severe superiority complex. Britain literally was trying to claim the South Pole to regain their manhood. And that isn't me projecting, they actually say that in The Last Place on Earth which is dark and bleak and boils down to two assholes doing something for no reason. Norway, led by Roald Amundsen, took the Pole because they were better prepared, but Britain, led by Captain Robert Falcon Scott, arriving at the Pole a mere thirty-four days late were the real "winners" because of their heroic deaths on the return trip. By heroic I mean they froze to death in their tent because Scott had no business running an Antarctic expedition. Or at least that's my take after watching this grueling miniseries. Which is why I'm now going to talk about the music. Yes, no Hugh Grant, Bill Nighy, and other famous celebs making some of their earliest film roles for me! For me it's all about Trevor Jones! His name is in the credits! It's really big! It's in the crossed flags that make a cross marking a grave. SO DRAMATIC! So mismatched. At the time Trevor Jones was contracted to do The Last Place on Earth he was smack dab in the middle of his "mystical" phase, having worked on Excalibur and The Dark Crystal with Labyrinth on the horizon. And that is exactly what this music sounds like. Which, given the subject matter, is a major disconnect. Because it sounds like he's written a third unreleased score for Legend to replace Tangerine Dream who replaced Jerry Goldsmith and not music for men toiling in the harshest of climes. I feel like there was an exec somewhere who spun a narrative about the South Pole and it's eternal winter being like a snow globe and Trevor Jones just ran with that concept. The glittering ice hovering in the air, the magical, unearthly environment, the eternal darkness, OK, I'm starting to talk about Legend again. But seriously, has someone edited this score to Legend because I think it would be slamming. Because the truth of the matter is I love this music. I want a soundtrack that I can listen to on a loop. My brother said it reminded him of the best in industrial library music from the seventies and he too thought it was slamming. But was, like me, perplexed by how this in any way connected with an expedition to the South Pole. At least it made the copious deaths and treks and eating of animals almost bearable. It's not an understatement to say it's the incongruous music that got me through this show. That and I really wanted to see Scott die. I particularly loved the Norwegians leaving him a fuck you tent at the pole. That was class. Because, fuck Scott! Long live Trevor Jones!

Posted by Miss Eliza at 12:00 AM 0 comments  

Labels: Bill Nighy, Britain, Captain Robert Falcon Scott, Excalibur, Exploration, Fifty-Five Years a Masterpiece, Hugh Grant, Labyrinth, Legend, Norway, Roald Amundsen, South Pole, The Dark Crystal, The Last Place on Earth, Trevor Jones

When my mom became interested in something she became obsessed with it. This could work in my favor, or, like the Christmas the Badgers went to the Rose Bowl, it could backfire magnificently. I'm not now nor never have been a football fan but at one point I had more Rose Bowl sweatshirts and hats than I could count. But I really benefited when she became obsessed with The Spiderwick Chronicles. This happened in 2008, which as fans of the series will know is when the movie adaptation starring Freddie Highmore came out. For my birthday I got notebooks and field guides and the deluxe collector's trunk. I got it all. So while I didn't love the movie, though I will admit to balling uncontrollably when David Strathaim and Joan Plowright were reunited at the end, I did love the books. Because the books are amazing, just simply magical. They made me feel like I felt when I first discovered the joys of reading as a kid. The story, the illustrations, everything about them made me fall in love with reading all over again. So I was over the moon when I heard about the new adaptation. Then devastated when Disney+ shelved it. I mean, cut Christian Slater a break already! First you pull Willow, which he was magnificent in, and then you decide to not even air The Spiderwick Chronicles!?! At least, in this instance, Roku came to the rescue. I still wish someone would do the same for Willow dammit. And this show works for one reason and one reason only, Daddy Christian Slater. He is magnificent as Mulgarath. So yes, I was rooting for the villain. I can almost, almost, even forgive him from eating Madisynn King from She-Hulk: Attorney at Law. Almost. Random aside, anyone else wondering why the magician who accidentally got Madisynn sucked through an inter-dimensional portal was also present? Oh wait, this was a Disney+ show originally and they're all about synergy when they're not about shelving shows to save a buck. OK, so that makes some sense to me now. Back to Christian Slater. I don't think I'm the target audience for this show and yet I'm probably the one getting the most enjoyment out of it and it's serious Legend vibes. Because while anyone can relate to the moral ambiguity of who are monsters? The actual monsters or man, the "problem child" Jared is the biggest "problem" in this show. His entire family talk about him creating scenes and being the reason they've had to move, and yet it's just them telling us this, we never really see this until he beats the shit out of his best friend, which makes him irrediable in my mind. And how did he get expelled for a really bad comic with an obvious interpretation? He's so one dimensional and his "problems" are so vague that I just didn't care about him. I kept want Christian Slater to show up and do another evil puppet show. I mean seriously, we are in the Christian Slater renaissance. I know most people date this to his role on Mr. Robot almost a decade ago, but I'm saying that it's really now. So do I want a second season? If they fleshed out the humans more, possibly... But seeing as things are very up in the air Christian Slater-wise... It's a no go for me if he's not in it. I'd call him Daddy any day.

Posted by Miss Eliza at 12:00 AM 0 comments  

Labels: And the Emmy Goes To, Christian Slater, Daddy, Disney+, Freddie Highmore, Jared Grace, Legend, Madisynn King, Mr. Robot, Mulgarath, Renaissance, Roku, She-Hulk: Attorney at Law, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Willow

Phantastes: A Faerie Romance for Men and Women by George MacDonald
Published by: A Public Domain Book
Publication Date: 1858
Format: Kindle, 165 Pages
Rating: ★★★
To Buy

Anodos's father has died. When going through his late father's desk he finds a compartment containing an old female fairy. She describes to him the land of Fairy and he dreams of it as he falls to sleep that night. When he awakes his room is transformed. There are recognizable objects, but the forest is encroaching on them. As he alights from bed he realizes that he is in the land of Fairy and that his adventure has begun. He soon learns that the land of Fairy isn't all wonder, there is both good and evil in this magical realm. The evil of the Ash and Alder Tree are notorious, and he has a frightful enounter with the Ash, being saved and protected by the Beech Tree. The Beech turns him to thoughts of love and he falls for a beautiful marble statue, but is tricked by the Ash once more. But soon the Ash isn't the only evil pursuing Anodos, his own shadow becomes antagonistic, and this evil presence weighs on him night and day. When he finds a palace he finally finds respite from the shadow. The library of the palace contains many books. But the magic of the realm of Fairy is that reading one of these books isn't like reading other books, you actually live the story. The adventure is your own. With this magic he lives many lifetimes, but his heart still belongs to the marble lady. He believes he sees her in one of the lives he reads but finds out the truth, she loves another, someone whom he has met. Yet still Adnodos searchs for her. He becomes obsessed that in the long checkered hall of the palace that the statues dance when he is not looking. And he believes that she is there. He is not wrong, but by now he should have realized you need to be careful what you wish for because pursuing the woman means leaving the palace and his shadow returns. The weight and despair plunge him into the depths of his psyche. He has been travelling for he doesn't know how long, always in one direction, towards the rising sun. But what little adventures he has had meeting with people begin to weary and tire him. Is he headed towards a goal? Will he be able to find redemption for the shadow he carries with him? An old woman holds some answers behind four doors. But will reliving his past trauma heal him? He remembers the death of his brother and it's two brothers that will help him to find purpose. They seek to slay tyrannical giants and it's Anodos's songs of his journeys and adventures through Fairy that give them strength in their preparations. But who will give Anodos strength to find his way home?

George MacDonald is probably best known for At the Back of the North Wind and The Princess and the Goblin, children's classics of the highest order. But his book Phantastes is probably the most influential. Within the first few pages you can see why C.S. Lewis referred to him as his "master." And yes, that's because there is a rather prominent wardrobe in the wilderness. You can just picture the Inklings bending over a table at The Eagle and Child and dissecting this tome page by page. Therefore it's hard to discuss this book on it's own. Because Anodos's journey through Fairy is rather prosaic. Nothing much happens and yet the vignettes showcased lit a fire in the minds of other authors. It's not hyperbole to say that Phantastes created the fantasy genre. It's a solid adventure on it's own and competently written, but my true enjoyment from reading it was every time it blew my mind because it connected to another piece of literature or film that I saw in a new light. C.S. Lewis and the wardrobe that took root started here, Lewis Carroll and his humorous turn of phrase to describe the surreal can be read in these pages, but don't forget L. Frank Baum and Dorothy! Though the two examples that most struck me happen in the palace that Anodos discovers. There there is a long hall with a checkerboard floor and music and mirrors and statues and red curtains. Two filmmakers took this as inspiration in their work. The first was Ridley Scott in Legend. When Lili dances with her shadow self and eventually becomes the darker version we then see in the mirror at the end, that was inspired by this! But then again Legend is heavily influenced by fantasy literature, as Terry Gilliam has said Legend is the only film that successfully captured the way he viewed the kitchens in his unrealized production of Mervyn Peake's Gormenghast. But the other auteur might surprise you because it's David Lynch. The antechambers of the Fairy palace's hall are the Black Lodge. The checkerboard floor, the statues, the red curtains, and there's always music in the air? Check, check, check, and check. Mind utterly blown. I'm sure if there was ever an annotated copy of this slim volume it would bulk it out to encyclopedic levels. One day I'd like to read that encyclopedia, as well as rereading Phantastes for itself. Though I have a feeling I'd still find the ending too preachy about "what we call evil." But MacDonald was a minister after all when he wasn't creating entire literary genres.

Posted by Miss Eliza at 12:00 AM 0 comments  

Labels: C.S. Lewis, David Lynch, Fantasy, For the Love of Book Clubs, George MacDonald, Gormenghast, L. Frank Baum, Legend, Lewis Carroll, Mervyn Peake, Phantastes, Ridley Scott, The Black Lodge, The Inklings, Twin Peaks

Tales from Earthsea
Based on the book by Ursula K. Le Guin
Starring: Brian George, Susanne Blakeslee, Kat Cressida, Matt Levin, Timothy Dalton, Cheech Marin, Jess Harnell, Blaire Restaneo, Willem Dafoe, and Mariska Hargitay
Release Date: July 29th, 2006
Rating: ★★
To Buy

The balance of the world is out of order, even the majestic dragons are killing each other. Young Prince Arren, driven by some unknown force, kills his father the King. Taking his father's sword he flees. On his desperate journey he runs into the Archmage Sparrowhawk who is on his own journey. Sparrowhawk has felt the world going out of kilter and has gone in search of the source of this wrongness. Sparrowhawk invites young Arren to travel with him. They encounter village after village destroyed, farmhouses burned and crops gone to seed. In Hort Town they finally find some kind of life, people wasting theirs taking the drug Hazia and slavers scouring the town for merchandise. Arren rescues a young girl from the slavers, but he incurs their wrath and when they find him asleep on the shore they enslave him. After being rescued by Sparrowhawk the two journey to the farmstead of Tenar, an old friend of Sparrowhawk's. There Arren meets the girl he rescued, Therru is the ward of Tenar. On the farm Arren is given time to heal from his ordeal while helping Tenar with the chores. But Sparrowhawk's mission isn't completed and soon it becomes apparent that Arren's ordeals are connected to the chaos in the world which now has a name, thanks to the slavers who work for him. The wizard Cob is destabilizing Earthsea in his quest for eternal life. Will the young Prince be able to make amends for the wrongs he has committed by stopping Cob? Or is all Earthsea doomed?

From the title of this movie I assumed that the plot would be taken from Le Guin's fifth Earthsea book, Tales from Earthsea. Well, you know what they saying about assuming things... because I was very wrong. Instead this is a weird amalgamation of the third and forth books in the Earthsea cycle, The Farthest Shore and Tehanu, without really ever being either of those books or it's own story. It doesn't really have it's own identity, feeling so piecemealed that a cohesive whole is hoping for way more than this film has to offer. I seriously don't understand what it is about Le Guin's Earthsea cycle that leaves it so hard to adapt. Each of the two adaptations has gotten key elements wrong, mainly whitewashing all the characters, which seriously baffles me in this instance because this wasn't made by white males this time around. But at least the Sci-Fi channel's adaptation was able to stand on it's own, being so different as to embrace those differences and create it's own mythology. Here there's so much actual mythology from Earthsea jammed incoherently into the story that I just can't even. I mean sometimes the dialogue doesn't actually make any sense. And as for Disney releasing it... I was raised on early eighties "children's" films, so I know violence, but OMG, the violence in this is so random and brutal and I don't think they ever really addressed the whole "slavery is evil" issue. Apparently it's the first and only PG-13 animated film Disney has ever distributed. Tales from Earthsea, the film, is just wrong on almost too many levels to count.

But apparently this production was plagued from the beginning. My brother informed me that while this is a Studio Ghibli film it wasn't done by Hayao Miyazaki, but his son Gorō and thus did the drama begin. Hayao had for years and years been wanting to adapt Le Guin's Earthsea cycle and had always been denied. Only after winning an Oscar for Spirited Away did Le Guin give her permission. Permission given which I think she later regretted despite claiming to like the end product though admitting that it wasn't in the least like her book. I'm not surprised in her being disappointed. Hayao, being too busy working on Howl's Moving Castle, the studio decided to let his son Gorō direct this as his first film. A move which his father not only disapproved of but actively argued against. So whether it was this tension or his inexperience, Le Guin's world didn't get the treatment it deserved and instead we are left wondering what might have been. As for the American release... I never really envisioned Sparrowhawk as say Timothy Dalton, because, you know, whitewashing, and his voice is almost too regal, he doesn't sound like he's ever shepherded goats. As for Willem Dafoe, yes, he's the perfect voice actor for villains, but the lackluster feeling of the film seeped into his performance. It felt like he read the lines in one take and that's all she wrote. In fact by the end of the film it's like all people involved had given up any hope for it, what with the closing theme song not being redone in English or even subtitled. I don't think they expected anyone to make it to the end.

What I hoped would redeem any lack in plot would be visual splendor. Because there's one thing that is "usually" a given with Studio Ghibli films and that's impactful imagery that will be on shirts and dorm rooms for years to come. The problem is that it's just not. The imagery is never it's own, it always feels so referential to specific things that all I did was think over and over again about those specific references while realizing how much better they were. The look was literally Legend meets Labyrinth meets The Addams Family meets Gummi Bears. You might laugh a bit at the Gummi Bears one while admitting the validity of the others, but seriously, the entrance to the castle is completely the entrance to Castle Dunwyn. Especially as depicted in my Colorforms play set. And also I REALLY need to watch Legend again, it's been too long. Aside from these specific filmic references the overall look the film went for is Persian. Which baffles me. You whitewash the characters and strip any racial identity that is in the books and give them a new one? What!?! And the thing is, I'm a really harsh judge when it comes to this because of my love of Kaoru Mori's meticulous and magnificent Manga series A Bride's Story. So if you're looking for racial confusion and memories of better films, you can't go wrong with this here film.

Unless you like strong women. Because, this is seriously a deal breaker. The strong, independent, and frankly amazing characters of Tenar and Therru her become nothing more than characters that have one purpose, to serve in advancing the stories of the men. Because obviously the only purpose of having women be in a film or story is to prop up the male narratives. Can you hear that growling? Oh wait, that's me. And it's not my stomach. It might partially be my teeth grinding, but there are other reasons too. The women get captured and get endangered and need men to rescue them. Tenar didn't escape from the Tombs on her own, rescuing Sparrowhawk whom she help prisoner. Oh no, she was the prisoner rescued, who must AGAIN be rescued as she has become a lure for Cob to trap Sparrowhawk. Oh, poor women. The scene when Sparrowhawk and Arren do all the work at the farm because the poor womenfolk wouldn't have gotten along unless they showed up!?! WTF!?! How are they running this farm then without the help of these men the rest of the year? I'm surprised that at this point Le Guin didn't ask for all association with the film to be severed. First the whitewashing and now the sexism! If there's any sexism in her books it's to show the plight of these strong and independent women! Who can run farms on their own! But the scene that made me want to spit fire? When Therru finally turns into a dragon the moment of majestic beauty is take away from her as it's given to Arren who rides her. HE FREAKIN' RIDES HER!

And buried, somewhere within the film, they tried to comment on the duality of humans with Therru and Arren. But instead of focusing on the more obvious with Therru being a freakin' dragon as well as a little girl, they go this weird ambiguous route that I'm still not sure I grasp. Somehow Arren was split in half either by killing his father or by the evil that plagues Earthsea. He now has a "light" and a "dark" side. The dark is all, well, it's the Arren we see most of, broody and boring. The light side appears to be trying to kill Arren, which makes no sense because it's the light side. Good should be trying to help evil not kill it, right? Or you know, integrate it somehow? Bring the two halves into one whole? The sloppily handled duality is just there and baffling. I really don't get what it's point is, was, or will be. It's like they were searching for some higher meaning and instead of taking meaning from the books they made their own half-assed mythology about splitting a human into light and dark and seriously, if it's beyond me I'm thinking a kid wouldn't get it either. But then Tales from Earthsea is continually taking these little bits and pieces from the books that in the context of the books make sense, but here are just baffling. Why does Therru knowing Arren's real name supersede the power of Cob knowing it? Why do they just explain the whole people can be dragons as quick backstory to a mural? Why is Therru made into a whiny stomp your feet girl? I guess I'll forever be wondering why.

Posted by Miss Eliza at 12:00 AM 1 comments  

Labels: A Bride's Story, Anime, Gummi Bears, Hayao Muyazaki, It's a Kind of Magic, Kaoru Mori, Labyrinth, Legend, Studio Ghibli, Tales from Earthsea, Tehanu, The Addams Family, The Farthest Shore, Ursula K. Le Guin

The 13th Warrior
Based on the book Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton
Starring: Antonio Banderas, Diane Venora, Vladimir Kulich, Dennis Storhøi, Omar Sharif, Clive Russell, Richard Bremmer, Tony Curran, Eric Avari, Sven Wollter, Asbjorn Riis, and Maria Bonnevie
Release Date: August 27th, 1999
Rating: ★
To Buy

Ahmad ibn Fadlan is a successful court poet in Baghdad. But his poetic sensibilities lead him to love unwisely and he is banished far to the north to act as an ambassador to those tribes of Barbarians. The arrival of Vikings save Ahmad ibn Fadlan and his party great distress from Turkic Raiders. The Northmen are celebrating the death of their chieftain and the ascension of their new leader, Buliwyf. A young emissary arrives to ask Buliwyf if he will come to his father's kingdom and save them from an evil which cannot be named. The Viking's wisewoman comes to throw the bones and tells Buliwfy that the thirteenth warrior must not be a Norseman, and so Ahmad, called Ibn by his new travelling companions, unwillingly heads out to do battle with an evil he doesn't know with warriors who don't even speak his language. When they arrive at King Hrothgar's village the warriors see that the situation is more dire then they feared. The town is almost indefensible, and the mist is coming, and with that, the danger of the Wendol.

It makes sense that the oddest book in Crichton's oeuvre would make the oddest film. But still, I question this adaptation's purpose because whatever the book's failings there was at least a glimmer of something interesting, a little Viking culture, a little mystery in the mist, which has been entirely stripped away to be nothing more then over ninety minutes of battle. There is so little plot that I wouldn't even deign to call it a plot, something other critics and moviegoers apparently agreed with as the movie quickly flopped at the box office. The movie should have just been called "Buliwyf Does Battle." At least re-naming the story for release as The 13th Warrior versus Eaters of the Dead helped to highlight this lack of depth. The simple truth about this film is I struggled with it. This is a nothing film. Watching the movie I kept thinking to myself, how can I even write a review about a movie that is so lacking of anything that it is slipping out or my mind as unforgettable as I'm viewing it? This is just a bad movie, plain and simple, and this is after extensive re-shoots. The curious side of me wonders how bad the film was before the re-shoots. The fact that Crichton had to swoop in to try to save it makes me contemplative. If Crichton didn't step into the breech for the laugh riot that Congo became and the horror show The Lost World turned into, just exactly how horrible was this movie?

Even in this "polished" and "fixed" format it's a weird movie. Antonio Banderas is nothing so much as comic relief and nowhere approaching a romantic hero. Also, the film doesn't feel of it's time. Now I'm not talking about the tenth century when it's supposed to take place, I'm talking about the turn of the last century. This doesn't feel like a film from 1999, it feels like a film from the mid 80s. In fact it feels as if this film is the kindred spirit to Ladyhawke and Masters of the Universe with a little Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom thrown in for the Wendol. Because the Wendol sure as hell don't look like they belong in Scandinavia! India, maybe. If that India came out of the fevered dreams of Lucas and Spielberg. If only we could get this Jerry Goldsmith score, which is laughably bad and uneven, replaced with a score by Tangerine Dream, a la Legend, I think, aside from Antonio Banderas being on screen, no one watching it would think it was made later then 1987. Just look to that 80s hair band appearance of all the vikings, and I think my point has been made.

In a film of weird and awkward scenes strung together with no regard to plot or pace there is one scene that sticks out. I really can't tell if it was really cool or really lame. In the beginning of the film it's a big deal that Ibn can't speak the language and therefore needs not one by two translators. This not only makes the movie hard to get into, but with Omar Sharif re-telling the events happening in the film I felt as if I was watching this documentary I saw years ago on the IMAX about the Nile that he narrated. But these clunky opening scenes are nothing to the scene where Ibn "learns" the language of the Northmen. Over the course of what we presume is many weeks we just see Ibn staring at the mouths of the Vikings around the fire. The first time it is all gibberish, but slowly, through rain and snow, words are decipherable until finally he understands everything they say, being able to then speak to them and also scaring them with the rapidity of his learning. While I like that it had a realism with him slowly learning, like everything in this film, it was handled in such a cheesy and heavy-handed manner that I'm not sure if I liked it or if it was groan worthy. I tend to lean toward groan worthy, just because of the rest of the movie.

The depiction of the Wendol was also just odd. As previously mentioned, they obviously are inspired by the evil death cult in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, what with their sartorial choices as well as taking off their victims heads and gnawing on their bodies. This is also where the movie diverged most radically from the book. The book clearly proposed the theory that the Wendol where really Neanderthals. There is nothing Neanderthal here, as Ibn screams "they are just men!" All their danger lies in the trappings of their appearance, not in their mysticism. The bone shirts and the bear headdresses are the signifiers that these people are evil and mean business. I'm sorry, but no. Looking a little different and killing people isn't enough for what is supposed to be the epicness of Beowulf! Plus, the Vikings kill each other all the time for dominance, land, and fun, so how are the Wendol different? The only real atrocity these people have committed, as far as I've seen, is that they must singlehandedly be responsible for Scandinavia having a depleted bear population because each and every one of their thousands of warriors has a bear headdress. Crimes against nature, yes, crimes against man, debatable.  

But the worst part of this movie I think falls into the category of racial insensitivity. Ibn is from Baghdad, in Iraq; Antonio Banderas is from Málaga, in Spain. These countries aren't interchangeable. Just because Antonio isn't white doesn't mean he's middle eastern! Besides the atrocities of an obvious spray tan and so much guyliner that it's laughable, his accent is in no way correct. In fact, more then once I noticed that if Ibn said "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die" it would seem logical. Because he is THAT Spanish. His accent is so Spanish it's stereotypical Spanish. It is obvious that Antonio Banderas did nothing to help the box office of this film so why not just hire an Iraqi actor? But time and again this happens in Hollywood. Don't they get it that here's a chance to do something right and then they go and do something wrong, like Rooney Mara playing Tiger Lily! Seriously folks! The reason this pisses me off even more is that Michael Crichton knows better. He has DONE BETTER! Look to Rising Sun! Instead of hiring anyone who looked Asian for the Japanese roles, the movie used all Japanese actors! I know, it's a novel idea, but there it is.

Posted by Miss Eliza at 12:00 AM 0 comments  

Labels: 80s, Antonio Banderas, Beowulf, Congo, Eaters of the Dead, He-Man, Indiana Jones, Inigo Montoya, Legend, Michael Crichton, Racism, Rising Sun, Spain, The 13th Warrior, The Lost World, The Princess Bride, Viking